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http://gray-cell-green.livejournal.com/10368.html
how ridiculous is it that i cant see anyone tonight because i failed to attend practice. wtf. i knew that that would happen but i thought maybe for once i could get lucky. instead it has become my bargining tool "if i go to dance without complaining, my mom will be less likely to be mad at me" how horrible is that! and thats exactly how i see it. but i couldnt even argue with her when she said "dont expect to go out tonight" because it would break my heart to tell her that the one thing that i love to do is ruining my life, the one thing that she loves, the one thing that we talk about...without dance how would our relationship be? thats all we ever talk about. the only time we spend together is during the half hour trip to the studio. it scares me so much to think that she might think less of me if i didnt agree to do the solo, duet, and trio i was offered this year or if i didnt go to every class willingly that she will surely grow tired of my attitude. i wish i had an honest relationship with my mom, i wish i could tell her things, i wish i could tell her when i was fighting with jared and she could make it all better and tell me that boys just suck sometimes, i feel like i can only lean on my sisters and best friends for advice and support, i want her to be my rock, i want her to not snap at people for crazy reasons, i want her to be a rational person but instead i just cant stand to listen to her sometimes, i want to just have a conversation with her that doesnt involve gossip about company parents and the talent of the people i dance with. but i cant. i just cant. it breaks my heart. i just want my mommy. i want us to be happy.
and this probably doesnt make sense to anyone.
Published by :gray-cell-green 2006-06-20 19:25:54.0
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